Strangest Marketing Tool...Ever

So, I was driving down I-75 and looked up to read a billboard. It was the strangest most confusing billboard I think I have ever read.

Cafe' Erotica: 10 Beautiful Strippers and 1 Ugly Stripper!

A couple of questions:
1. Why would you interview and eventually hire an ugly woman to work in your strip club?
2. When coming up with your marketing tool, why is your token, ugly stripper the hidden treasure that is, for sure, going to lure men into your club?

I like to think the meeting with the marketing team went something like this:

Marketing Team (M.T.): So, let's think of something about your club that is special and unique. Something that will really bring in the customers. How's your bar? Maybe a good wine list or large beer selection?

Club Owner: Nooo... We, uh, actually lost our liquor license last year due to a little "incident" (finger quotes) so I guess you could say we are BYOB (finger quotes) at this point.

M.T.: Ok, Ok. Well... how about your D.J.? Would you say your D.J. plays good music that can really get the crowd pumped?

Club Owner: Nooo....Noooo...I would actually not say that. Our D.J. struggles a little with his music selections.

M.T.: Hmmmm...Well, what about your dancers? Are they especially beautiful or exotic in any way?

Club Owner: Oh yes. Our girls are very pretty. Well... all except for 1. Yeah, one of our dancers is fugly. I mean a reeeaaal butterface.

M.T.: A butterface?!! A really fugly girl!!? Well why didn't you say so!!

I think the "and 1 Ugly Stripper" looks something like this woman.




Let me just say that when I worked for Child Protective Services, I had several moms who worked for Cafe' Erotica so, trust me when I say, there's more then just "and 1 Ugly Stripper."

Last thought: Don't you think the dancers sat around wondering who the ugly stripper was that was being advertised on their billboard?? I wonder if a customer ever walked in asking, specifically, for the ugly one! I freakin love it!!

Family Tribute Series: Benjamin Grant

So, my wonderful husband has left me. That didn't come out right. Ben is working in Abilene this summer at a law firm so, technically he has left me but it's for a good cause. We really want to return to Texas after Ben graduates from law school so this is the best way to make that happen. Ben will be in Abilene until August 1st which TOTALLY sucks but I have several trips planned this summer to see him so, we'll make it work. May 8th we traveled 16 hours (one way) by car to Abilene but made a stop in Atlanta that night for a Radiohead concert. Radiohead rocks my world and apparently all 20-something, pot smoking, hippies worlds as well. I have no problem with the hippies. I have always loved hippie men with long hair. Throw in some dreadlocks and maybe even a little grundge under their armpits and that would perfectly describe all of my boyfriends from age 18 to say 25 (yes, you finally have your answer as to why I was not married until I was almost 27). But I digress. When I first met Ben, he was playing in a band at a small folk festival in Abilene, TX. The band was named "Ben Blake and the Latter Day Saints" and the reason I came to hear them play, you might ask? Well, I was told by my good friend Amanda Musick that they, and I quote "Are really, really bad. You have to come and hear this!" So, 11:00 a.m. on the second stage, I came to hear "Ben Blake and the Latter Day Saints." They weren't terrible which made me quite disappointed but they weren't good either. There was an exceptionally bad piano solo by the lead singer (not Ben Grant) which made me laugh (at them, not with them). After the concert ended Amanda introduced me to Ben. He had long hair and that "hippie vibe" so I, of course, thought he was really good looking. Fast forward a couple of months later and I was at a party with Amanda and, again, saw Ben. I remembered him and still thought he was really cute. Someone asked if we knew each other and I said "yeah, we've met" at the same time Ben said "No, we've never met." In my mind, I'm thinking "Who does he think he is??" Ben swears to this day that he does not remember meeting me at the folk festival. Anyway, we talked for a good 30 minutes that night and then went our separate ways. Fast forward ONE MONTH. I meet Ben again at a going away party for a mutual friend. Ben, once again, does not know who I am. This time, I'm thinking "This dude is just plain stupid because he has got to at least recognize my face!" Ben says he did remember my face but couldn't place where he met me and even if he did meet me. So, his pick up line at the going away party? "How's your Christmas?" And the rest is history.

Now, since this is a tribute to Ben I will get into the "nice" part of my blog. Let me say, I loved being single before meeting Ben. I dated a lot but still liked my independence and I was always a little scared of marriage. I don't know why I felt that way since my parents have a great marriage but I would see everyone around me divorcing and, since I don't believe in divorce, I knew the man I married had to be incredible before I would take that major step. Here is a Top Ten List of some of my favorite things about Ben.

10. Ben can answer just about any "Golden Girl" trivia question I throw at him.
9. Ben has a voice for our dog and our cat.
8. Ben will sit and watch Golden Girls, Step It Up and Dance, Project Runway, and Small People, Big World and NEVER complain.
7. Ben loves my family as though it was the family he was born into. He is especially good with my nieces and nephews who have always been very important to me. I think they love him now more then they love me (and they love me a lot).
6. Ben is funny. I don't think many people are funny but he makes me laugh everyday.
5. When I throw cold water on him in the shower, he rarely tries to get me back.
4. Ben worries about our cat Fitzgerald when he goes outside. When Fitz won't come back in, I say "screw him" but Ben will worry and wait up until Fitz finally decides to come in the house.
3. Ben dances for me. Ballet, jazz, hip-hop, you name it, he's got a dance for it.
2. Before Ben started law school and had free time at night, he would blow dry my hair for me when I didn't feel like it.
1. Ben is a good Christian man who I know will be an amazing father to our kids if we ever have any. If we are not blessed to have them, he will be an amazing father to Eleanor, Fitzgerald and the 10 cats we will end up with to fill the void...

These pictures are to show my readers how happy Ben is and has always been. Even his baby pictures show him smiling. So cute!

Ben and I on a cruise with my mom and dad


See, he's smiling and didn't even know the pictures was being taken


Wearing glasses and still smiling


A little evil but a smile still


"I drink out of a green sippy cup. (smile)."


"We wear matching sailor outfits. (smile)"


"My dad's shirt is so busy I feel cross-eyed (smile)"


I got nothing for this one. I just thought he looked really cute.


Me, Ben, Tucker and Erika at the Radiohead concert. That's right, full body ponchos.


Ben and I at the Radiohead concert


And now for your listening pleasure, just a sample of the greatness we got to experience.

Deep Thoughts, By Jack Handey...

Ok, not deep thoughts but I love vintage SNL so, what I can say, I went with it. I have had serious writer's block lately so I decided I would just post some random thoughts about some pictures I was looking through.

Makinzie Conley (Makinzie Heard, she'll always be Conley to me) and I were in New York City our freshman year of high school on a choir trip. We were on this cruise that went around Manhattan and there was a German tour group on this cruise as well. On one row, there were two German men, Makinzie and then me. One of them asked Makinzie if I was Cindy Crawford and in true Kinzie fashion, she said "Why yes, she is Cindy Crawford." The man then hands her a business card and asked if he could have my autograph. Makinzie hands me the business card and, through clinched teeth, mutters "They think you're Cindy Crawford. Sign it Cindy Crawford." I wasn't really sure what was going on but I liked what I had heard so I played along. As the night wore on, I was getting my picture taken with these tourists, the rest of the choir kids were playing along and I even overheard one German taking a video of me and saying into the microphone of his camcorder, "Deees ees Cindy Crrrawford and arrrround her are the crrrrazy Amereecans." Now, I tell this story because, at the time, I thought, yeah I could totally pass for Cindy Crawford but 13 years later I look at the below picture and I can't help but wonder what and how many pills these Germans must have been on...



Fast Forward one year. Makinzie and I took this picture for a friend of ours. I don't remember the circumstances behind it, who took the picture and why we were trying to look so serious and yet so sexy all at the same time. Ben once asked me, "ya'll took this picture as a joke right??" I had to admit that no, we were serious as a heartattack while taking this picture. High school kids take themselves so serious sometimes and when that high school kid grows up into a self-depricating 28 year old woman, she pays the price by this piece of embarrassment. Unfortunately, Kinzie pays for it also...



Last fall, I signed up to help serve at a dinner and auction fundraiser for the private school that shares a building with our church. After I agreed to help, I was told we had to wear "uniforms." I knew before I even heard what the uniform was that I was going to regret signing up for this and I was right: black pants, black shoes, white button down shirt and...a tie. I am serious when I say I told Ben the night of the dinner that I was dropping out because of this whole tie business! Ben thought I should wear a "baby tie" because it's more "feminine." He proceeded to tie the baby tie to prove his point. I know it sounds like he was just trying to be helpful but that really was not the case. He just wanted to see me squirm in this baby tie and then take my picture for his own enjoyment. Oh, who am I kidding, I thought it was hilarious. For some reason, I felt very trendy yet very lesbian. FYI-I did not drop out but I waited until the last minute to put on the tie and no, I didn't wear the baby tie.



Last fall we went to South Georgia with our friends Letson and Laura. Letson is the youth minister at our church and he was taking a few kids camping so Ben, Eleanor and I tagged along. We were at this state park, walking around when we saw this sign posted by some water which begs the question, what kind of perverts actually live in South Georgia?"



Same trip as above. Letson, Laura, Ben and I were trying to take a picture when this high school kid thought it would be funny to jump into the picture. Kids between the ages of 12 to about 18 annoy the crap out of me...

X-Rated Petting Zoo **Parental and Prudish Discretion Advised**

So, this weekend Ben, my uncle LeRoy and myself went to the Mossy Creek Festival in Perry, GA. Mossy Creek comes to the area twice a year and I have always wanted to go but it's rained every year we've lived in Georgia so I have never been able to go. Mossy Creek is basically a bunch of vendors from Florida, Georgia and Tennessee who come to sell their crafts. We ate good food, I bought some cool stuff and the weather was overcast and cool so all in all, it was turning out to be a pretty good day. Well, Ben and LeRoy decided they were going to eat this greasy, orange substance the Rotary Club was calling BBQ and I said I was going to wait and weigh my options once I see everything there is to eat. LeRoy ate quickly so while Ben savored his "meat" we said we were going to walk over to the petting zoo and he can join us once he was finished. At the petting zoo, there is a fence keeping all the animals in and the adults were lined up along the fence while the kids were inside the fence petting the animals. It was actually a pretty weak petting zoo. They had two Shetland ponies, a few goats, chickens, bunnies and labrador puppies (weird). Right below LeRoy and me was one of those plastic kiddie pools full of bunnies. We started laughing because over 1/2 of them were "doing the nasty." They were seriously going at it and I was a little weirded out because kids were putting their hands in the tub to pet them. At this point, Ben came over and we pointed to the rabbits which he thought was pretty funny, and a little creepy, what with all the kids around. So then I saw one of the workers pick up one of the two Shetland ponies and I pointed at it. Here is how the conversation followed:
Holly: "Awww, look at that pony!" (first pony being held by the worker)
Ben: "Look!!" (unbeknownst to me, Ben was referring to the second pony)
Holly: "I know, isn't it so cute?" (first pony)
Ben: "Do you see that?" (second pony)
Holly: "I know, she's really cute!" (first pony)
LeRoy: "You don't see that?" (again, the second pony)
Holly: "What are you talking about?"
LeRoy: "Look at it hanging all the way down to the ground!"
Ben and LeRoy: Uncontrollable Laughter
Holly: "A few choice words and "SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I had never seen anything so gross and HUGE in my life!! I tried to mentally measure it and I swear it was over a foot long! And, to make matters worse, there were three kids standing next to it just petting away! I felt like I was being punk'd. It would be a pretty good premise you have to admit: children's petting zoo with extremely hormonal rabbits and ponies. I must admit though, as we left to give the animals their much needed privacy, all I could think was, "I wish I had my camera, this would be great for my blog!"

So sweet, yet so perverted. Who knew?This is "Janet, Ms. Jackson if your nasty..."

And the Award for "Most Un-Photogenic Dog" goes to...

As many of my readers might know, there is an annual contest for the ugliest dog in America. The dog on the left, Sam, was the winner for 2003, 2004, and 2005 until his untimely death in November of 2005. Since his departure, the competitive world of "Ugliest Dog" has yet to find a reigning champ with the same charisma, charm and disgusting rat tail. Though we don't feel we have found the next Sam, we do think we have a strong competitor for "The World's Most Un-Photogenic Dog."

See our submissions below. Eleanor has a difficult time keeping her eyes open when being photographed.

Could have been really cute.

Tried again. Nope...

Decent effort yet no progress.

Gave a nice pose but just couldn't bring it home.

You've got to be kidding.

After 20 tries and several treats later, it all finally comes together.

Revenge of the Nerds Part 1

I am sure all of my readers went through a "nerd phase" at some point in their life. Some people's phases might last a couple of years, while others might still be weeding their way through. This post is the first in a series I shall title "Revenge of the Nerds." I have decided to put myself and poor Ben out there first before I post the pictures of friends and family. I must warn you that I have a picture album sitting by my desk with pictures from elementary through high school and I'm not afraid to use them...

Here is Ben in the bluebonnet fields on the side of a highway. Every child growing up in Texas has had their picture taken in bluebonnet fields. It's a right of passage if you will. I have to say the bluebonnet picture is cheesy all by itself but add Ben's pasty skin, oversized glasses and greased back hair to the mix and you have one nerdy honkey.

Side part, greased down with L.A. Looks and one rockin' Bugle Boy shirt.

Band. Need I say more??

Third grade school picture. You could fit jelly beans in between each one of my teeth.

My shirt reads "I've Got Some Body." I know the shirt is actually referring to the hair product but still a little weird for an 8 year old to be wearing.

Being a foot taller then your peers will always make you a nerd, especially when said peers are 2 years older...

And now, because I am vain I can't leave you with these images. Here is a recent picture of Ben and I, post bluebonnet pastures.

Nashville, Anniversary, and Some Other Random Crap...

The last weekend in March, Ben and I went to Nashville to spend the weekend with my parents who were there for a computer conference. As some of you might know, I love a good computer conference t-shirt so Ben went into the Expo center with my dad to check out the loot and my mom and I went shopping. We stayed at the Gaylord Opryland Hotel and it was beautiful. We had a great time.

Me, Dad, Mom and Ben, in that order...

I think this is the worst picture I have ever taken. My eyes are squinty and I look like I have been awake for days. But, I post the good, the bad and the ugly of others so I have to do the same for me. It's only fair.

Mom and Dad

Playing Phase 10 in the hotel room. We pulled an ironing board in between the beds, pulled out the snacks and played a seriously heated game of cards. Dad put my fur blanket around his lap because he didn't think others would like to see his boxer shorts. We all agreed. Ben won every game which hacked my mom off. She said she wasn't playing cards anymore with Taylor (he cheats) and Ben (he wins too much).

Monday was our 2 year wedding anniversary so we went to dinner and then came back to our house for champagne and chocolate covered strawberries. Ben made them at my uncles house and I had no idea! He is the best husband ever and I love being married to such a wonderful man.

Ben's face in this picture makes me laugh every time I look at it!!

And now for the random crap. This is our jasmine in our backyard. It bloomed for Spring and looks beautiful. It also attracts bees. Big, yellow, scary bees.

Yet another rash. My leg was swollen and had HUGE welps all over it and I really did consider posting it. I actually downloaded it onto the post but then I was reminded how vain I really am. My leg looked like an old woman's leg and was swollen because of the welps. I looked fat and I just couldn't do it. I am ashamed and this is my confession, "My name is Holly Grant and I am one vain mo-fo."
This is the only leg post I could stomach

Ben and Fitz. Could this be any cuter!?


This is a video of this vine thing at Opryland. It's this girl, on stilts, wearing a vine costume and she moved really slow like a vine. Ben called her "his woman" because he thought she was really pretty. I think he was getting payback because one of my favorite shows on T.V. is on A&E called "The First 48." It's a documentary styled show about homicide detectives and I love watching the Miami detectives. There is one detective, Det. Rick Martinez, whom I often refer to as "My Cuban Lover." I get the Cuban, Ben gets the Vine. That sounds about right...